When you think you still have feelings for your ex

She sat and poured out all her problems. Her life was upside down. It seemed that every area of her life was a mess. She went on to her love life where she told me that there was a man she loved (the father of her children) who left her and married another woman. She herself then married someone she didn’t love, who was a lot older than her, just so she could have someone to look after her and the kids, but then he ended up mistreating her so it all ended in divorce.

And then came the part I want to focus this post on. She said she was still in love with the father of her children. Digging deeper, I discovered that she hadn’t actually seen this man or been in much contact with him for 12 years. And then it dawned on me. How could anyone be in love with someone that they haven’t had a relationship with for so long? No, I didn’t think she still loved him. She was in love with the IDEA of him.

Because her life had been in such a mess for years, her mind was going back to a time when she was happy and that was when she was with her ex-partner and subconsciously she thought that she would only be happy if she was with him again.

This made so much sense to her. I advised her to focus on solving the problems she had and receiving the abundant life promised to her, thus creating a fresh happy life that didn’t involve this ex. She agreed to do this and was determined to change her life.

How many times do our emotions deceive us in this way? When hard times come, we think of and miss the ‘good old days’ of the past, somehow forgetting that things were worse back then. If you are married for example and you go through a problem with your spouse, perhaps your mind goes to your ex. Discipline your mind and start thinking of ways to solve the problem with your spouse instead. Think of an example that relates to you and see if your emotions are not deceiving you in this same way.

I caught up with this lady recently and do you know what she told me? Her ex called her out of the blue after years of no contact and told her that he wanted her back and that he was having problems with his wife. While he was speaking, she realised that they had nothing in common anymore and felt absolutely nothing towards him. She told him to sit down with his wife, talk to her and sort out their problems. She was so happy when she was telling me. It was proof that her emotions were just playing tricks on her.

The past is in the past for a reason. Let’s move forward to new and better things.

Beautiful England

Although I was born and bred in London, growing up, I loathed the UK. I hated the weather, the food, the rubbish all over the streets, everything. On the other hand, I absolutely loved my parents’ homeland. I loved the sunshine, the sea, the scenery, the people, everything, so much so that I planned to move there as soon as I finished my University degree. But then I met my husband so I ended up staying here. Although I never regretted my decision, a part of me always wished that I lived in another country.

But one day someone said to me. “You know, I’ve been to many cities around the world but London is the most beautiful of all.” I remember thinking, ‘Yeah right’ but then the next time I went out to the City with my husband, I started seeing things with new eyes. I noticed the historic and impressive buildings, the lovely lights at night, the beautiful greenery and gardens everywhere. For the first time, I felt excited to be here, I felt like a tourist.

How many times do we choose to look at the bad in everything? We look at only the negative things around us when there are so many things to marvel at. We look at others and choose to ignore the good qualities and just pick on the bad stuff, as though we were perfect. And then there are those times when we give ourselves a hard time. We beat ourselves up about the wrong decisions of the past, the mistakes made today, even for the way we look. We forget about everything we’ve achieved and overcome, what we’ve learned from our mistakes and that if we look closely enough, there is always something beautiful about us.

I’ve finally learnt to love the UK and I will adopt this attitude wherever the wind takes us.