Although my boyfriend (now husband) were all smiles in this photo, it was a different story behind closed doors.
One of the causes of our many arguments was because I never felt that my boyfriend was affectionate enough. I would complain, nag, cry, and feel sorry for myself. I just couldn’t understand how someone that was supposed to love me could be so unaffectionate. This ‘problem’ didn’t change for a long time until the day that I stopped demanding attention. When I backed off, things started to change. But the real turnaround came when my now-husband and I were talking one day.
I grew up in a very close family. My parents were very affectionate, showered me with love, told me they loved me every day, I got plenty of hugs and kisses, so as you can imagine, I grew up to be an affectionate person. My husband however grew up in a different environment. He grew up without a father-figure, with lots of family problems and although his mother loved him dearly, she would rarely say ‘I love you’ and affection was scarce. So my husband was never used to being affectionate with anyone. Now what happens when you put two opposites in this respect together? Disagreements.
When I realised what the root of the disagreements was, I felt so bad. I had been expecting him to be someone that he wasn’t and had been putting undue pressure on him. I apologised and told him that I would ‘tone down’ my affection towards him, because honestly, when he’s close to me, all I want to do is hold and caress him. He agreed to ‘turn up’ the affection and we came to a compromise. Funnily enough though, he completely changed over the years into a very affectionate husband.
So, the real issue wasn’t the lack of affection per say, but the lack of understanding. And this is what happens in many relationships across the board between husbands and wives, parents and siblings, friends, etc. We need to understand that people come from different backgrounds, have been through different things in life, ARE DIFFERENT so if we don’t learn to accept certain things, to be patient, to sacrifice, to look with good eyes at those close to us, we will always have problems.
Thank goodness, now the smiles in our photos are genuine. :-)
This is so true Mrs Cris. I know because I was constantly guilty of this until I realised I need to be more understanding with my parents. I used to compare them to other parents and didn't understand why they were cool or modern or family orientated as others.(Especially my English friends with English or western parents). As I grew older I saw that my family were that way because of their culture and how they grew up back home. I came to realise that despising them wouldn't change anything. So I started to see things from their point of view and learned more about my culture. Now I love culture and can relate to my family. It's much more fun and nicer when we do things and sometimes they do other things just for me.
ReplyDeleteThe above blog is very common and I believe it will help many people because it reminds me of how I used to be with my family.
Thanks for posting it
It's very true. With many African cultures, showing affection end when you become a teenager so its rare to see hugs and kisses.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this message! I can think of so many ways and areas that I can apply this. Sometimes, when I read such messages, I thank God that I am not married yet, as I can imagine that my ignorance would have caused so many issues!
ReplyDeleteI agree Ann. We're really privileged to have women of God share their experiences so we can learn from them without going through the same problem. Thanks for sharing Mrs Chris.
ReplyDeleteRosie
This is something practical that even someone my age can do with my immediate family members way before I get married. It will help because we all need to make ab effort to change and not be soo quick to expect change from others. Any relationship is a two way thing.
ReplyDeleteThank you