Goodbye daddy

Last Monday, I said goodbye to my father who died of liver cancer. It was a really hard time for all of us and I miss him dearly.

He was a larger than life character, very funny, very generous and people loved him. I was quite taken aback by all the people that turned up at his funeral last Wednesday and at how upset they were.

Dad and I were very close when I was younger. I went everywhere with him – on deliveries, grocery shopping, dentist and doctors appointments, even shooting and fishing. He would love spending time with his family and we were showered with love and affection.

But in my late teens, I hurt him deeply when I told him about my boyfriend of 2 years. I hadn't told him earlier because I knew he wouldn't approve due to the culture difference, but I didn't want to lie to him anymore. He kissed me on the forehead as if to say goodbye and that was the end of our relationship as we knew it. He stopped speaking to me as in his eyes, I had disrespected him beyond forgiveness for keeping my relationship a secret and despite my attempts to talk to him, we lived like strangers under the same roof. It was unbearable, I started to go off the rails as I already had depression and I eventually moved out.

He started speaking to me again after a few years but didn't want anything to do with my boyfriend who later became my husband. So I would visit and even stay for a few days but things were never the same between us. Though we would laugh and joke about things, and greet each other with a kiss, there were no hugs and he couldn't forget the fact that I had hidden something from him and thought that I had been laughing behind his back.

But through his sickness, I saw him change. He started to want to talk about the past, express how he felt and I listened. He told me how hurt he was at how I'd lied and laughed at him. And I said, "Daddy, how can you think I was laughing at you? The reason I didn't tell you was because I didn't want to lose you. I knew that as soon as I told you about Michael, that would be it. So I kept both of you as long as I could." "But you lost me anyway," he said. "Yes, but I should have been able to keep both of you," I replied.

And finally after almost 20 years, on a visit to the UK for medical reasons, out of the blue, he announced that I could also bring my husband to my sister's house. It was like a dream seeing them meet for the first time. I was quite shocked when Michael went straight up to him and gave him a big bear hug and planted a kiss on his cheek. They got on like a house on fire and dad turned to me and said, "Michael's alright isn't he? He seems like a really nice person." "Yes dad, that's what I've been trying to tell you," I replied. That was a big deal coming from my dad because he was a very good judge of character and could suss someone out in the first 5 minutes of meeting them.

During the last few days of his life, I stroked his head, held his hand, massaged his feet, gave him lots of kisses, slept with my head touching his, nuzzled into his neck (he always smelt nice) and told him I loved him numerous times - and then he was gone...

But why am I sharing something so personal with you? It took a sickness to bring my father and I together to talk about everything. When faced with death or faced with the prospect of losing someone, people start thinking about their life and things that seemed really important can then seem really insignificant. So they try to put things right, they make amends with people, say the things they never had the courage to say, and express their love to people.

I suppose this is the only good that comes out of being ill. But many people don't have the chance of putting things right. Death comes without warning - an accident, a heart attack... And all that remains for those left behind is guilt, depression, regrets and unspoken words.

Don't wait to tell someone you love them. Tell them how you feel and show them how much you care.

Don’t stay angry when someone close lets you down. We all make mistakes. Is it really worth losing someone you love over that?

Kids, respect your parents and don’t lie to them or keep things from them as this could hurt them to the core.

And if it’s too late, if the person has already left this world, don’t beat yourself up anymore. See it as a life lesson that has taught you what to do if a similar situation arises in the future.

I choose to remember the good times I had with my dad and there were so many. J

He meant well, but it was torture...

I look happy in this photo don’t I? Would you believe that this was a little bit of torture for me? Let me explain.

This photo was taken just before my cousin dropped me off at the airport after visiting my father in hospital in Cyprus. During the drive to the airport, I said to my cousin, “If I get a window seat, at least I’ll see the sea from the window.” Suddenly he took a detour. “Er, where are you going?” I asked a little puzzled. “To the beach,” he replied grinning.

Bless him, he meant well, but I wished he hadn’t taken that detour. You see, I love the sea, the beach, swimming, diving, nature, etc. When I was younger, we used to camp by the sea, and whilst everyone was taking an afternoon nap to get away from the scorching sun, I was the nutcase that would be sitting on the highest point of the rocks with the waves crashing around me and just looking out and taking in all the beauty.

That day, as soon as I stepped onto the sand and heard the waves, I wanted to stay there for a while. But we literally had just 5 minutes because I had a flight to catch. It was just enough time to take off my shoes and paddle a bit. The water was warm and I so wanted to swim. The only way I could think of to console myself was to eat two big nutella crepes with ice-cream with a good old cuppa at the airport café later. J

But this experience got me thinking. In this particular instance, it was better for me not to have even gone there because I got a taste of something that I was not able to enjoy due to the circumstances. But there are people that unfortunately have learned to live like this. They don’t allow themselves to have a taste of something because they don’t believe they can have (or deserve) the good things in life, so they would rather shut themselves away to stop themselves from being hurt. That’s no way to live one’s life!

Dare to dream. Start seeing what you want in your mind and once you can see it, get a taste for it which will make you thirsty to fight for it.

• Go out and meet new people even though you’ve been hurt in the past.
• Go and view the house of your dreams or test drive that car you’ve always wanted to drive, even though you can’t afford either right now.
• Look into how to start up your business even though you ‘ve never done anything like this before.

…Catch my drift?

You DO deserve it and you CAN make it. Enjoy your life and be happy. J

I couldn’t believe my ears

This month, I went to Cyprus for a week and a half to visit my father who has been  battling liver cancer.

It was certainly an experience that will be etched in my memory forever. I lived in the hospital for about a week with my sister and mother. At night, mum slept in a chair by his bedside (she's been doing this for months during his hospital stays) and my sister and I slept on the sofas just outside his room. He was in a room with 3 other patients and I was shocked by what I witnessed. I won't go into too much detail here so I don't upset anyone but I would like to write about one particular case.

In a bed opposite my father was a man who had suddenly gone blind. He had an awful wheeze, was very confused and kept trying to get out of his bed. He would get so frustrated that he would shout and swear at his wife, demanding a cigarette. She had a really hard time with him. The fact was, he was really scared and didn't know what was happening to him. Just three weeks earlier, he had gone for a check-up as his eye-sight had gone hazy. After some tests, it was found that he had lung cancer (the result of being a smoker) that had already spread and gone into his brain which was what was causing the blindness. He was dead within a week of being admitted to hospital.

This wasn't the only shocking thing however. Before he tragically passed away, his son who would visit him daily and seeing the terrible distress his father was in, was one day smoking in the stairwell. His mother told him off and he turned around and rudely snapped, "Nothing's going to happen to me. I won't get sick." I couldn't believe my ears. I'm sure his father had thought the same thing. 

Why do people so easily take things for granted?

·         I’ll eat whatever I want and not exercise – I won’t ever get sick

·         I’ll spend time with my husband/wife one day soon. I’ve just got to get this project finished first. They’ll understand.

·         I’ll take my children out next week. They can watch a bit more TV for now. It won’t do them any harm

·         My friends have all taken ecstasy pills. I’m sure I’ll be okay if I try it just this once…

…and the list goes on…

Yet every day, people get sick, people get divorced, parents and children have no relationship, people die. When it all goes wrong, then comes the guilt and what-ifs and should-haves.

Let’s keep our eyes wide open and not take things for granted. Let’s appreciate the people we have in our lives. Let’s look after ourselves and those around us.